Tornado!

The sky was vague this morning- a bright yellowish bar along the horizon with a hazy dark grey lid above, like the world was sleepy and couldn’t be bothered to summon anything more definite into existence. It’s the sort of sky you might see from an aeroplane or the window of a coach travelling through Germany very early in the morning with your face pressed against the cold glass and a thousand large and small pains in every joint in your body. Id love to find the guy who thought that one little plastic coat hook on the back of the seat that jams into your kneecap when you try to sleep would be insufficient for ones hanging needs, and installed a second coat-hook on the window upright to bore agonisingly into your skull, and stamp on that bastards fucking neck. I tried to think of some appropriate coat-hanger based death at the time but the torturous discomfort allowed only the vaguest plans to form round my festering need for vengeance. Most of my attention was focussed on not crapping myself waiting for the toilet. No matter, I have years to plan. If you have any ideas do send them in, Im sure between us we can come up wth something good.

So, the sky. Germany, and I apologise if anyone German reads this and therefore want to gas me, but Germany has some terrible skies. All grey and non-descript and depressing, your sky is nearly as crap as ours in the UK. You guys really need to pour some serious investment into your sky, it would make even the blackest forest look a lot more cheery. This is my plan for the rejuvenation of many run-down urban sites- forget youth clubs and football pitches, just throw some money at the sky and everything will seem a lot better. Just look at Africa- that place is always sunny and look at the fun they have!

This morning there was an exclamation mark of cloud connecting the cap of lead grey above with the carbon grey of the horizon below, crossing the brighter bar in the east like the leg of a gigantic table. At its based was a bright red light, and for a delicious moment I thought it was a tornado cutting through a power line, leaving a fizzing swathe of destruction in its wake. Of course it was no twister, just the smoke from the Coventry Waste to Energy garbage incinerator rising from its stack, and which was probably destroying things around it in a more insidious and permanent way.

So I met a girl. I went out and did some hard drinking on my own on Friday as is my habit when I’m bored or stressed, bought half a gram of Doogie Howser MD and went to wonder the streets looking for adventure. I didn’t find any so I went to a night club and demanded if the hottest girl I could see to come do some drugs with me. Turns out she had a bag full of green and a precociously bright mind and we didn’t get up till Sunday morning. This was partly because my dick barely worked on Friday due to the crystals and was pathetically eager to make up for it and partly because I’d forgotten what a great way to spend a weekend that is. I haven’t laughed so hard in months, and that was just at my jokes- no tonly is she much prettier she also much cleverer than me and had me in stitches. Plus she seemed genuinely thrilled to meet a man with my awesome combination of mental and physical prowess (i.e. think Forrest Gump crossed with Lieutenant Dan ). She’s probably dreamt of someone like me, perhaps after watching Married With Children whist eating a cheese platter.

And Christmas is coming up! Are you psyched!? I am. I really don’t get why everyone is so down on Xmas these days, I love the Festering Period. This is the time of year we come together and remember how Santa was nailed to a tree upside-down so all the presents fell out of his pockets. I’m really looking forward to giving my girl some presents from my sack; I’m generous like that, all about the giving, and this could be the givin’est XXXmas ever!