Cats

I LIKE a look of agony,
Because I know it ’s true;
Men do not sham convulsion,
Nor simulate a throe.

The eyes glaze once, and that is death. 5
Impossible to feign
The beads upon the forehead
By homely anguish strung.

So Im off to see Control on Friday. Im really looking forward to it. Its the smash hit movie that everyones talking about. Are you talking about it? If not you're probably a dick. Only kidding! Im sure youre a really nice person, but you should go and see the film you'll love it. My friend Cassie did all the graphics for the movie, so all the contracts and posters and newspapers and anything else you see on screen is the product of her awesome photoshop skills. She's incredibly talented and she and her husband Nick have several times graciously played host to my drunken bufoonery without so much as a "Get out of our house this minute!" If you're in the Warwick area you should come along, we're (well, I am at least) going to get hammered drunk and have a great time and celebrate Cassie's big break. Im a friend of the stars now see so if you see me there I'll have a double rum and coke and give you an autograph.

My buddy Greig is having a stressful time with his girl. Unlike me hes a really conscientious guy who takes her flowers and stuff and still she gives him grief. I find it baffling. Naturallybhowever I came to his rescue because Im always ready to offer a beer to cry on or a friendly listening beer should you want to talk about it. A friend in beer is a beer indeed as they say. Im like a councellor really. When I shut my eyes and seem to tune out because you're going on and on and on and on dont worry Im actually listening intently. We went out last night and totally failed to get into a nightclub but on the way home I found a CB radio so that was alright. I mean, it didnt really solve any of Greigs problems but a free CB radio is pretty cool no? It doesnt have a power cable but Im sure its fully functional apart from that. I stuck on the theme from Convoy and someone took a silly picture of me pretending to listen in to the imaginary amigos putting the hammer down in their big macks and closing the back door on the big bears.
You're thinking only stupid people think you have to listen to the mouthpiece of a CB radio. BUT Im the one who pulled it out of a skip covered in stinking crap in a skip and took it home totally for free! Whos stupid now huh?

Hey by the way do you have any single friends who like skinny sallow men with frankly questionable taste in clothes? If so tell them to give me a call, Ill pass them on to Greig. If theyre looking for a dashingly handsome and witty young blade then Ill pass them on to me. Youve got to make me sound good though, what we've talked about here is in the strictest confidence ok?
Oo and, and when your painting them a mental picture dont say "yeah he's a bit of a fuck-up," say something like 'he's brilliant but troubled', that way I sound like Im capable of great or terrible things, or that my genius walks hand in hand with madness, something like that. Some girls like that melodramatic shit. And tell them I design superyachts and sports cars and stuff. I do that about 1% of the time but it sounds better than "he mucks about on the internet stealing music a lot" doesnt it? Plus tell them a load of lies like how generous and nice I am, whatever helps. You can even tell them I like cats if you have to, Im willing to put my hatred of them to one side if it'll help, thats how serious I am. Once when I was 6 I picked up a cat by its tail and threw it over a hedge. Dont tell them that.